The first Wednesday of every month is the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Posts go up the 1st Wednesday of every month. Check it out here and join if you need support with your writing. Don't forget to stop by and say hi to the co-hosts: Pat Garcia, Victoria Marie Lees, and Louise – Fundy Blue!

July 7 question - What would make you quit writing?

This question feels apt for me because I have been in a deep rut regarding my writing. I haven't really done much of it lately and I felt like it either. The motivation or desire just hasn't been there.

A slew of articles going around Twitter last month about how hard it is to make a living off writing didn't help. I read them and asked myself, "Why am I putting so much effort when I'm barely getting anything in return?"

I have felt like quitting.

I've considered it and asked myself what else would I like to do? I've been dabbling in book covers, redesigning my own and attempting to find people who'd like me to make them one. Then I got rehired by my old job and I put that aside because between working and my health, I didn't have the energy for a side hustle (or the day job really, so I'm kinda glad the owner was a dick and fired me while I was off recovering from surgery.) Hell, if you've read my post last IWSG, I didn't have the energy for anything.

(Side note on that. Some of you didn't seem to know I had surgery. The surgery has made it so I'm not in that sort of pain every month anymore, but I am having some complications that might mean the endo is growing back. I have an upcoming appointment with the doctor who did the surgery to discuss my options.)

After talking to my friend Tui, I was able to start pinpointing why I was feeling so down trodden: I was grappling with mourning lost time.

Being Human was published ten years ago. I've been doing this for ten years and all ten of those years I had worsening pain that made everything harder. I couldn't write like I wanted. I couldn't promote or market like I wanted. I couldn't network like I wanted. Friendships withered because I didn't have the energy to maintain them. (Being an anti-social introvert does not help.) I had massive insecurity about my marriage because I felt like a burden to my husband instead of a partner.

It's no wonder I had these massive bouts of depression.

Now (fingers crossed) I don't have to survive a life of ever growing pain and exhaustion. I can freaking live. That realization was like a sledgehammer of hope.

But I feel left behind. I'm at square one again, only now things are much harder than they were ten years ago. Things are more pay to play, and there's a ton more players on the field. I don't believe writers are in competition with each other, but we are jostling and elbowing each other because we know a reader's time and income is limited. It is a fight to get your books found.

I think my issue is I see others who started when I did and they are doing well. They didn't have the health issues I did hindering them. Or sometimes I will see someone who does have health issues and they seem to be managing just fine. Why did I struggle so much just to function as a human being? Why couldn't I just push through like they are?

And I realize those are silly questions. No one has a smooth journey and some are way more rocky than others. I don't see the really bad days, just like no one but my husband saw my really bad days. It's more a feeling of failure, like I could have done more. I worry I lost my chance at making anything work.

And that's not rational. (Then again feelings don't like to be logical.)

My friend Tui made a really good point in her reply to me. She said, "Your physical healing is just the beginning of your transformation right now."

Life threw a really huge and painful wrench at me. One that was not easy to overcome. But I freaking survived it. I can't fret about lost time or what I could have done differently. I did the best I could in a hard situation. I may be closer to the start again, but like I said above, I got my life back. I can live.

And I really want writing to be a part of that life.

BEFORE YOU HEAD OFF TO VISIT EVERYONE ELSE...

I am once again in search of help for a book release. Already? Yeah. It's kind of nice because I have a few completed books sitting around, so I can totally look like I'm super productive, when in reality, it took some time for me to get them ready. ^^;;

The Cure has been uploaded for pre-order to Amazon and Smashwords! How am I already talking about publishing another book? Well, it helps having a few all ready to go. (I actually haven't written much lately due to, ya know, the surgery and all that entails and other life stresses.)

Anyway, to celebrate, I'm sharing an excerpt. Enjoy.

The first Wednesday of every month is the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Posts go up the 1st Wednesday of every month. Check it out here and join if you need support with your writing. Don't forget to stop by and say hi to the co-hosts: J Lenni Dorner, Sarah Foster, Natalie Aguirre, Lee Lowery, and Rachna Chhabria!

I was actually gonna post this last month, but then Kindle Vella became a thing and there was some interesting discussion about it that I wanted to take part in. Go read that post if you haven't already and weigh in.

It's been 4 months since my surgery and I've finally been cleared of all restrictions. I had a delay due to an incision that kept breaking open. I thought in celebration of that, I would give a timeline of how my life was every month. This may not exactly be writing related but I want everyone and their mother to know what I went through and why this is a big deal.

Day 1: PAIN

Day 2: MORE PAIN. I end up in the ER because it will not stop.

Day 3: Pain but now I have heavy-duty narcotics to take the edge off. Maybe I can get something done, but most likely, I will sleep because I am exhausted from pain, lack of sleep, and drugs that make me tired. I've barely eaten in the past 2 days because of nausea and lack of appetite caused by the pain.

Day 4: Pain has lessened to what I call tolerable. It's probably not what you call tolerable.

Day 5 & 6: I can get things done once I get the pain to a manageable place, but I have to repeat the process throughout the day, and I'm still feeling weak. I'm haven't slept more than 3 or 4 hours at night since the pain started. My land lord is probably wondering why there is a giant spike in the water bill, because in order for the pain killers to work, I have to take them then lay in a tub of as hot as I can stand water for a half hour. I may feel well enough to leave the apartment or cook dinner.

Day 7 and onward for at least another 7 days if not more: Still in pain, but its lessening. Still not sleeping the night. Still doing pain management so I can go work, but when I get home, I sleep the rest of the afternoon because I'm exhausted (and in pain.) I'm really sick of doing hot soaks.

Day 14ish: Pain is still there, but I think I might finally get to sleep the entire night soon. I am super excited about this fact.

Days 15ish-? (how ever long the month is): There is no pain. I am stoked. I slept all night. It felt great. I am still exhausted, but I really need to catch up on chores. (Hubby does help, but he is working a 40 hr a week job; things fall by the way side.)

Day 0: Woke up with spotting. Looked at the diary my gyno has me filling out and realized shit's about to hit the fan. Crossing fingers that maybe it won't be too bad.

Spoiler: It's worse. Return to day 1.

I'm not sure how to end the post. I could go on about realizing that I had been lying to myself about how well I was handling it, that I could now admit to myself that I was just surviving, or that I had a scary realization that I have no idea how much more of that I could have taken. It's mind blowing. It also sucks. I don't recommend it.